How to Get Away With Murder (not to be confused with the television show)
Studying the murder mystery genre has taught me a lot about the careful planning that must accompany murder. Too many pathetic attempts have caused me to shake my head at the murderers’ folly. Thus, I have created scrupulous solutions to the common problems murderers face.
Before I continue, I must warn that this guide is not for the weak minded. It is written so that a person of any position, no matter their gender, age, race, etcetera, can carry out such a wearisome task, but I cannot guarantee that my plans are foolproof. Nay, I am not so bolstered by my ideas to claim that a feeble-brained individual might have the creative sense and quick-mindedness that is mandatory to the careful crafting of a murder. Murder is not merely a skill that can be perfected, but an art, a talent! Some are born with the ability to kill, however, most are not. Luckily for you, my fiendish followers, I was born with a silver dagger in my chubby infant hand, prepped from my early days of proximity to the mafia to kill without leaving a trace.
First off, no gore. Bloody deaths are too complicated—the weapon, the evidence, the mess, but most importantly, it is entirely unsophisticated. Only temperamental brutes resort to such last minute ploys. What are the alternatives? Let us explore the options. Poisons are a popular choice. Drugs also work, and if the victim already takes medicine, faking a suicide is relatively easy. However, don’t depend on that to save your skin—the victims’ friends might claim that this situation is unlikely, if not impossible. You may be able to collect sufficient information on them to be certain that suicide is believable (see my article “How to Stalk Someone without Being Noticed”), but when in doubt, revert to the following methods.
Arson seems like an easy option—just light a match and all your evidence is destroyed, right? Unfortunately, it’s not that easy. Witnesses abound—a rebellious teenage couple in the bushes, a dog walker contemplating whether they should clean up the poop, or even a drunk guest taking a wee out back. Escaping from fires is also relatively easy, unless you were to douse the entire house in gasoline before lighting the match (and I won’t even get into the logistics of hiding that evidence).
Now, now, I’m not a Negative Nelly. I do have solutions to every problem that arises! Police officers must think like a criminal in order to catch a criminal. Reversely, we must think like policemen in order to escape them. What are your motives for the crime? Examine them. Dismiss ideas of revenge prematurely—it may taste sweet when it has been achieved, but such a taste will turn bitter in jail. Let us use money as a motive—it is common, understandable. Murdering someone unrelated to you is a relatively simple process, but the real challenge is killing a family member—and that is where we begin our work.
Gaining information is the key to performing a clean murder. Pretend that the police have every intention of proving your guilt. What is the key to proving innocence? An alibi. “Oh, but my wise and all knowing murderess,” you may be thinking, “how can I be in two places at once?” Unless you have an identical twin, doppelganger, a clone, or a hologram, you cannot. Assuming that you haven’t any friends that would risk lying for you, the next best solution is to create a daily routine that you do not stray from. If you were, to say, live-stream yourself baking for a few months, then on the day of the murder, upload a video under the pretence of live-streaming, it could create a brief alibi. Eyewitnesses have excellent testimonies, however, and the police will doubt the stability of your alibi. In that case, remember the mantra, “Innocent until proven guilty!”
This brings me to my final and crucial point. Hiding, destroying, or simply not having evidence in the first place. Where are you going to get your weapon of choice, my dear friend? Let us return to poison—nowadays, you can’t just pop over to the local drugstore, buy a vial of cyanide and be on your way. Back in my grandmother’s days, the simple excuse of needing rat poison was enough to land a dosage large enough to off a full grown man. Assuming that you’re no chemist, the best solution is to buy a bottle of Tylenol—extra strength if possible. To avoid being tracked on video footage, drive far out of town, park your car at least ten minutes away and walk to the local store. Wear a hoodie, sunglasses, and makeup. It doesn’t matter if you’re male or female—in fact, if you’re male, stuff a bra and raise the pitch of your voice (there are plenty of tutorials online).
Use cash, throw out the receipt inside the store, and make your way back home with your untraceable bottle of painkillers (don’t worry, it’ll kill more than a migraine in the right amount). Take the capsules and empty all the powder into a bowl or bag. Helpful tip: Pretend you’re doing arts and crafts! The time will simply fly by.
Now comes the difficult part. Remember what I told you about being a creative person? What’s the plan now? Put it in a bottle of wine, reseal it and deliver it as a present? In that case, you’ll have to buy more Tylenol due to dilution. Or would you prefer to deliver it in food? Tylenol affects the liver, so my personal recommendation is in the form of liquor. But watch out! The victim may vomit, thus reducing the effect of the medicine. Hopefully, your prey will wish to nurse their hangover with some Advil the next day. A funky liver and thin blood? Sounds like a winning combination.
“But my heavenly goddess, how can I give them the wine? What if they get cured in the ER?” Whoa there, cowboy! Do I really have to hold your hand in terms of killing someone? Haven’t you matured enough to think of your own ideas? Oh, don’t make that face, I’m only joking. Sort of. If the victim does not live alone, find a way to get the family to leave, or to draw the victim out. Do they enjoy partying? What if they don’t drink alcohol? I’ve taken you far enough on this journey so that you can take some pride in planning your own sensational murder, personalized to suit your victim. I know, it’s scary. But you must trust what you’ve learnt. We’ve gone through this journey together and I’ll miss you. When I pick up my newspaper in the morning, a fresh cup of hot cocoa pressed to my lips, I’ll smile and think of you when the headline tells me that someone was murdered, with no suspects.
If you enjoyed my article, share it with your friends and family on social media. If you found it useful, give it a like. If you used any of the techniques in my article, please drop me an email at catchmeifyoucan@excop.org. Keep an eye out for my next article, “Body Disposal and other Gardening Tips.”